Notes from my latest podcast. Check it out wherever you get your podcasts.

• I have a question for you…………….Are you a people pleaser? Do you do things for other people at your own expense or at the expense of your happiness?
• I am not talking about acts of service. There is a difference between acts of service and people pleasing………….acts of service are things you want to do, things that align with how you want to show up as a human being, they may not always be convenient and perhaps that is where the pain, discomfort, maybe thinking that you don’t want to follow through, but none the less they align with your over all well being as a human
• With people pleasing there is a genuine motive behind doing it, and there are a couple of different ways and different reasons that we people please
• The first one I see often with the clients I serve is that they tend to people please out of fear…………..fear of rejection, fear of not being liked, fear of not being included, fear of being left out…………….so they think that the more they do for people the more they will be appreciated and liked……………….they think that surely if I do for them they will think of me the next time and either repay the favor or they will include me
• So what essentially ends up happening is almost like a game of chase…………..you keep doing, you keep inserting and when you chase something………..it keeps moving further and further away
• You end up not getting the validation you are seeking, in fact the end result is that of hurt and pain…………..and the other humans in your life just keep being human, they keep showing up the way that they are going to show up…………..they do not see your pain, they do not see that you are suffering, but they keep partaking in whatever service you are continuing to offer
• Another reason we tend to people please is because we are afraid that something will be taken from us or withheld, often I see this it is the love that we so desperately want to feel from someone else that we are afraid they are going to withhold from us if we don’t do what it is that they want us to do, if we don’t show up in the way we think they want us to show up
• I see this often with my clients in their parent adult child relationships………….the parents tend to do exactly as requested or act in a certain way to continue to stay on the good graces of the adult children so that they will continue to come around, so that they will continue to come home for the holidays or even so that they will continue to let them see the grandchildren
• What happens when we people please is that we are trying to control an outcome. We are trying to control others. It may not feel like that because we having good intentions and it feel like we are doing for others, but we are trying to control us not getting hurt or someone else not getting hurt when the only person you can control is you
• Those adult children are going to do what they feel is best for them to do………parents, please don’t try to guilt them into doing something they are not down for. Most often they making decisions for themselves as a partnership with their spouse………when you try to use your parenting guilt it is only going to push them and their spouse further away, rather allowing them to make decisions based on what is best for them will actually end up making your relationship better with them and their spouse in the long run——–if they feel that they do not have to people please to keep from being guilted into doing something, they will make empowered decisions from a place of respect and maybe even desire to spend the time with you
• On the flip side of this is when the adult children people please to avoid hurting a parents feelings. Another type of people pleasing is when you do something you don’t want to do to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.We often end up coaching around setting boundaries because they are allowing this idea of not hurting their parents feelings because the parents have certain expectations of the adult child and the adult child has a different reality. The child still feels that they should follow through with what their parent wants to avoid hurting their feelings. 
  • The result ends up being that the child is making themselves miserable and is just going through the emotions unathentically and think about it…………how enjoyable are you really going to be when you show up out the feeling of obligation versus genuinely wanting to be there
• And another people pleasing topic I get from my clients is the “people are expecting me to do it because I always have”…………….why are you operating from someone else’s manual
• Who knew there were so many different ways that people could fall into the trap of people pleasing
• So let’s talk about what we can do about our people pleasing because my guess is that who you are when you are doing this is not who you want to be.
  • The truth is when end up not being who you truly are and that is where the pain discomfort awkwardness comes in…………….you are not being your true authentic self……………my guess is that you don’t want to stay stuck in this pattern, this pattern of constantly doing things for others and not getting the validation you think you deserve, doing things because you afraid of rejection, doing because they are going to make you feel guilty if you don’t or doing things just because they have always expected you to do them
• Are you ready for this?? Come on ladies………let’s put our big girl panties on and say enough is enough!!!
• First and foremost………………….you have got to love and respect you! You have got to start learning to validate and appreciate yourself. When you validate and appreciate yourself, you do not need someone else to tell you what an amazing person you are or what a wonderful job you are doing……………you get to be amazing and you get to give yourself all the affirmation that you need because you are made amazing already, you are beautifully and wonderfully made, and you are enough just as you are…………….
• And guess what else……………….you get to say “no” and you get to say it free from guilt…………you get to say “no, that is just not going to work for me” and never bat an eyelash and guess what……………..they get to think whatever they want to about you saying no………….they truth is they are going to think whatever they want whether you do the thing or you don’t…………..and if they love you and are meant to be a part of your wonderful and amazing life………..they will respect your boundaries
• here’s the deal friends, I firmly believe that we do not walk this earth intentionally doing things to hurt other people……….if you do, that is a shame and I want to say, good luck to you on living your best life…………..but we don’t constantly have to continue to please other people to get them to like us, to get them to spend time with us
• And parents………if you kids are coming around as often………what is your part? Are abled bodied? Are you expecting them to always come to you?………….in fact I think this is the perfect topic for another podcast…………setting boundaries for your adult children…….lol

So I am not at all suggesting that you throw down the gauntlet and proclaim, I am never doing another thing that I don’t want to do if it doesn’t benefit me, but what I am saying is that you certainly can give yourself permission to decide the things that you do want to do, things that align with how you want to show up for yourself, things that are in alignment with how you are choosing to love yourself as a human being and by all means if this is a topic you struggle with. If you have a hard time loving yourself enough to set boundaries……………this is exactly why you should get a coach…….this is exactly what I can help you with………………………